The second one went out and bought new cell phone, a ipod, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.” The third one takes the $2000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $2000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”The man thought long and hard about how the women spent the money.Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

  She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”

 The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.

 The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you so much for saving my little girl. You are a true hero. Tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about ‘Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl’”

“But I’m not a New Yorker,” the man says.

“Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl,” says the mother.

“But I’m not an American neither,” the man says.

“So, what are you then?” asks the mother.

“I’m an Iranian,” the man replied politely.

The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:

“Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.”

The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”

The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”

“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around
her.

Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb
last rites.

Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has
burnt out.

Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to
design the web page about doing it.

Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
in.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not
represent mainstream feminism in doing so.

Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.

Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old
one was.

Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They sit in the dark.

Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then
they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt
because they can't see.

Q: How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but they have to be very small.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.

Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell
it before it crashes.

Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What? And wreck my nails?

Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.

Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.

Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it need changing?

Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to
change.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new
bulb.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.

Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of us

Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".

Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.

Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.

Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yes”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Villager: “The sheep’s a liar!”

The lion said, “Hey, monkey, you don’t have to be scared! I’m not going to eat you; I’m tied up real tight.”

“I know,” said the monkey. “That’s not why I’m shaking.”

“So why are you shaking?” asked the lion.

“Well,” said the monkey, “it’s just that I’ve never had sex with a lion before.”

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…

Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs.

I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.

By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,

and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.

"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.
 

On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and Lox,
bagels and some cream cheese

On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef,
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

PS: For the Israeli version, substitute 1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot (grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 greps