Some Random Puns

Pretty bored so I’ve decided to go through some of the silly puns I have lying around my desk. Hmm, let’s see… A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.” Doh! That sucks. No wait, here are some better ones…

• A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?”
• Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
• There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
• When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. (Bada Bing!)
• My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
• Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.
• At a hearing aid center: “Let us give you some sound advice.”
• A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.
• Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”
• My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.
• Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn’t finish the last movement.
• Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
• How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
• I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
• I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

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