Historical Jokes

What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale ?
You can't keep a good man down !
Who designed Noah's ark?
An ark-itect !
What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans ?
Speaking Latin !
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?
He wanted Mark Antony !
Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America ?
On their feet !
Why does history keep repeating itself ?
Because we weren't listening the first time !
Who succeeded the first President of the USA ?
The second one !
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas ?
His wife !
What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ?
Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !
Why did Eve want to move to New York ?
She fell for the Big Apple !

When did Caesar reign ?
I didn't know he reigned.
Of course he did, didn't they hail him ?
1st Roman Soldier: What is the time ?
2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII !
Why did the Romans build straight roads ?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend !
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is ?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss !
Teacher: When was Rome built ?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that ?
Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day !
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra ?
Toga-ether we can rule the world !
What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ?
The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had !
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages ?
Because there were so many knights !
Why did Arthur have a round table ?
So no one could corner him !
Who invented King Arthur's round table ?
Sir Circumference !
What was King Arthur's favourite game ?
Knights and crosses !
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opneder ?
He had a bee in his suit of armour !
What was Camelot ?
A place where people parked their camels !
What was Camelot famous for ?
It's knight life !
When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave ?
Rust in peace !
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight ?
When they had lots of sleepless knights !
How did the Vikings send secret messages ?
By norse code !
What English King invented the fireplace ?
Alfred the grate !
What famous chiropodist ruled England ?
William the Corn-cutter!
Who invented fractions ?
Henry the 1/8th !
Whose son was Edward, the Black Prince ?
Old King Coal !
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ?
He liked to chop and change !
What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne ?
Sat down !
Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII ?
She was trying to get ahead !
Where was the Magna Carta signed ?
At the bottom !
I'm learning ancient history ?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times !
Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich ?
Because the poor didn't have anything worth stealing !
What did the Sheriff of Nottingham say when Robin fired at him ?
That was an arrow escape !
What did the ghost of Queen Elizabeth say as it floated into the terrified woman's bedroom ?
Don't worry, I'm just passing through !
Lady: We had wild boar for dinner last night
Knight: Wild ?
Lady: Well, he wasn't too pleased about it !
Wish I had been born 1000 years ago
Why is that
Just think of all the history that I wouldn't have to learn !
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always repeating herself !
What do history teachers make when they want to get together ?
Dates !
What do they talk about ?
The good old days !
Who was the biggest thief in history ?
Atlas, he held up the whole world !
What did Noah do for a job ?
He was an arkitecht!
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark ?
Floodlights !
Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt ?
Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court !
The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.
How many galleons did the get to the mile !
What did Paul Revere say when he got on his horse?
Giddy up horsey !
Where did knights learn to kill dragons ?
At knight school !
How did Vikings communicate ?
By norse code !
What is a forum ?
Two-um plus two-um !
How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ?
With their eyes shut !
What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old ?
A year older on his birthday !
Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia ?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family ?
Didn't you say there was a quack in it !
Why aren't you doing very well in history ?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons ?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train !
You've failed history again !
Well you always told me to let bygones be bygones !
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon ?
Because he was dead !
How did you do in your tests ?
I did what George Washington did !
What was that ?
Went down in history !
Do you know the 20th President of the United States ?
No, we were never introduced !
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else !
Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree ?
I'm stumped !
When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat ?
He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !
What did they do at the Boston Tea Party ?
I don't know, I wasn't invited !
What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party ?
T-Shirts!
Where was the Declaration of Independance signed ?
At the bottom !
Did the Native Americans hunt bear !
Not in the winter !
What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate ?
The registration of the car that ran him over !

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