Funny Jokes >> 2010 August

    I haven’t Spoken in Months

    I haven ‘t spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don ‘t like to interrupt her.

    Tags: short jokes  Funny Jokes  

    Yo Mama So Skinny

    Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

    Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.

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    Cancer?

    An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, “You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad.”The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, “What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight.”
    Tags: Cancer  best jokes  Funny Jokes  

    Bat Vision

    Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

    The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

    Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

    The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

    Tags: Bat Vision  joke line  Funny Jokes  

    White With Black Stripes?

    Once there were two zebras. One zebra asked the other:
    "Am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

    The other replied:
    "Ask God."

     

    Tags: White With Black Stripes  animal jokes  Funny Jokes  

    Suicide

    A blonde decides to commit suicide by hanging herself so she goes to the park and....2 days later a man is walking in the park and sees the blonde hanging on by a rope tied to her stomach. So he says "Ain't that supposed to be around your neck". And the blonde says "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

    Tags: Suicide  short jokes  Funny Jokes  

    Push

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

    "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

    He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
     

    Tags: Push  best jokes  Funny Jokes  

    Another Dumb Blonde

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

    Tags: Another Dumb Blonde  Adult jokes  Funny Jokes  

    Installing a Carpet

    A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

    In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

    ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

    As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

    ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
     

    Tags: Installing a Carpet  animal jokes  Funny Jokes  

    The Feline Diet

    Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

    Tags: The Feline Diet  animal jokes  Funny Jokes  
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